It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"


Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

Well old Bill is pretty ticked off.

He storms into his security staff HQ and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine!! The SOB had to be standing right there on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys??! "

The security guys stayed silent and stared ashamedly at the floor.

Bill hollers, "Well damn it, don't just stand there -- GET OUT THERE AND FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I WANT AN ANSWER AND I WANT IT TONIGHT!".

The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says " Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news, which do you want first?

Clinton says, "Oh give me the bad news first". The officer says, "We took a sample of the urine and tested it, and the results just came back -- and it's Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my God, I feel so betrayed! My very own Vice President! I can't believe it!! Well then, what's the really bad news?"

"Well", the officer replies, "it's Hillary's handwriting!!!!!!!"


Oh hell!!!

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Dude... why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Aw, hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure... I love to drink!

Devil: We'll you're gonna LOVE Mondays! On Mondays that's all we do. Drink,Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, whatever. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Devil: Hey... you a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Devil: All right! You're gonna LOVE Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead!

Guy: No way!

Devil: Yeah!! And I'd bet you like to gamble?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. We got craps, blackjack, Keno,roulette, slots, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before...

Devil: Well, NOW you can. Say... you like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean....

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a log! You can do all the drugs you want. If you's okay! You're already dead!!

Guy: Cool! Wow... I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

Devil: I'm glad you noticed, it really is! So... are you gay?

Guy: Gay? ME??? No. Absolutely NOT!!

Devil: Ooooh... (shaking head, grimacing), you're gonna HATE Fridays!


"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No" "Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"Bill Gates"


"The USA"

"Native language?"


"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"


"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"


"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"


"Any pies then?"


"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute.." (several minutes pass) "Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not"

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. "


Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" [actually the late Ralph Boas].

Theoretical Physics Methods

1 The Dirac method

We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.

2 The Schroedinger method

At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait.

3 The Quantum Measurement Method

We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate. The wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness. We lay these eigenstates out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other. Since the (male) lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made from a distance, using binoculars. The lion then collapses into one of the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage.

4 The nuclear physics method

Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator on it and a wild lion.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator, exchanging spins.

5 The Newton method

Cage and lion attract each other with the gravitation force. We neglect the friction. This way the lion will arrive sooner or later in the cage.

6 The Special relativistic method

One moves over the desert with light velocity. The relativistic length contraction makes the lion flatas paper. One takes it, rolls it up and puts a rubber band around the lion.

7 The general relativistic method

All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger.

8 The Heisenberg method

Position and Velocity from a moving lion can not be measure at the same time. As moving lions have no physical meaningfull position in the desert, one can not catch them. The lion hunt can therefore be limited to resting lions. The catching of a resting, not moving lion is left as an exercise for the reader.

Experimental Physics Methods

1 The thermodynamics method

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert.

2 The atomic fission method

We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.

3 The magneto-optical method

We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which inturn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.

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